WARNING: Some of you will vehemently disagree with what I’m about to write.  If you are in the camp that believes I should be spreading  only sweetness and light around the world, stop reading right now.  Personally, I think you deserve my honesty…why trust any advice I give on empowering your life if I don’t have a clue about the difficulties you’re facing?  If you’re a mom who has ever gone through any kind of major life transition (and who among us hasn’t?!), you’ll appreciate my top ten tips on how to feel like sh**:

1.  Warm up (amateur style) by having your eight year old notice your spider veins and proceed to announce their existence to every available person in the grocery store and/or doctor’s office. 

The more, the better. 

Any segueway will do. 

Try this: “Wow – did you see that spider?  My mommy has spider veins – she might show you if you ask.  Wanna see?!”

If you’re really on a roll, have her inquire publicly as to your age so she can comment to anyone within earshot: “You look really good for 39!  Almost as good as if you were in your twenties.” 

To which you can respond mentally with “You mean, when I still had my youth and beauty…before you hijacked my body?  Gee, thanks.”

2.  Postpone Valentine’s Day preparations as long as possible.  Because this particular holiday SUCKS if you’re in the middle of a separation. 

Then take a trip across the Canadian border at the last minute to try to find some red construction paper at the store. 

Which of course they won’t have.

This will ensure you return empty handed with two forlorn children while the American border guard quizzes you about your employment.

Be sure NOT to properly value your online work. 

It is essential that he ask loudly, in front of your kids, “You mean, you don’t have a JOB?”  This will erase your dignity while bringing a lovely flush to your cheeks. 

Does it take a little more to rattle you? 

Have him ask your four year old how to pronounce her middle name. 

Taryn.

Kind of like Tara, except that four and a half years ago, you rejected that (easier) middle name upon discovering that, once upon a time, your husband proposed to a woman named Tara.    

Anyway, the answer to this question should verify whether she is the same child you pushed out of your body twenty minutes after crawling through the front doors of the hospital. 

The one noted on the birth certificate he is staring at. 

Of course, she will have NO idea what her middle name is, because you’ve used it maybe two times in four years.  One of which was when you were applying for said birth certificate. 

What’s that I see?  Are you smiling?! 

Clearly you need part two of my How to Feel Like Sh** series…

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