Welcome back!
It should be obvious to anyone with a little common sense that one should not to say certain things to postpartum women. Oddly, these phrases still come out of people’s mouths, apparently bypassing their brains completely. For the benefit of people who care to be sensitive, as well as for the moms who may find some comfort in knowing they are not alone, here is the official Mommy-Muse.com™ list of what not to say to new moms.
1. “When are you due?”
Does this really need any explanation? People, please be certain the woman you are speaking to is actually pregnant before inquiring as to their due date.
2. “I can’t stand all the talk about the ‘dark side of motherhood’. This postpartum depression idea is just the newest ‘in’ disorder!”
Great. Way to shut someone down and make sure they will never feel safe talking to you honestly about how they feel.
3. “Moms need to just buck up and deal. If they wanted some space, they shouldn’t have had children in the first place.”
So let me get this straight. If a woman longs for a day of rest or a few hours of quiet time to catch her breath and have a little adult time away from her child, she should wait 18 years? Or at least until the child is old enough to go to school? Because your average adult can be on duty 24/7 for years on end with no breaks and stay sane, right?
4. “My mother (aunt, grandma, etc. – any female relation will do) raised 6 kids, lived on 4 hours of sleep a night, cooked three square meals a day from scratch with no microwave, worked in the fields and never complained!”
Well, good for her. Perhaps you should order a plaque in her honor. This is a remarkable achievement, and totally inappropriate to use as a comparison for any new mom you actually care about.
5. “Why is it taking you so long to lose weight? You know, I saw (fill in this blank with the name of any glamorous postpartum celebrity) on TV last week and she looks hot!”
Sigh. Perhaps the new mom you are talking to would also if she had a personal trainer, designer clothes, nearly unlimited resources to help with the baby and easy access to plastic surgery. Perhaps not. Every woman’s postpartum body adjusts in its own unique way on its own time table. Trust me, every new mom does the best she can with the resources she has. If you must think judgmental things, keep them inside your own head.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you want a good relationship with the postpartum woman you are talking to, don’t alienate her. Let her know it is O.K. to feel however she feels. Comparing a new mom physically, mentally or emotionally to any other person will do damage. She probably already feels insecure about her transition into new motherhood. If you think she is having some trouble, ask yourself what might help, offer to be supportive in some way and go find her some resources!
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