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Stepmothering is not for the faint of heart. It”™s best undertaken by sturdy souls only ““ or perhaps by those who are so intent upon strengthening their souls that this ultimate boot camp for the emotional self might actually be a useful path.
When I became a stepmother at age 21, I was “crazy in love” with my husband – and nowhere near ready to love his children. My own emotional self was not big or strong enough for the experiences I had to face. When my stepchildren visited, they were an unsettling reminder of my husband”™s previous sexual life with his ex. They were also a reminder of my secondary status in his heart: I knew he would always love his children most. Since I didn”™t know how to process any of this in a healthy way, my own heart was in fairly constant pain. Depression became my normal emotional state, and there were even times when my internal struggles made me physically ill.
I know: you are stronger, wiser, and the possessor of a healthier emotional self and support system than I had back then ““ and thank goodness for that! Because if you are a stepmother, there will be times when you have to draw upon the entire foundation of who you are – all the love and wisdom and health you can muster ““ to make it through your experiences in a way that is good for you, for your husband, and for your stepchildren, and does no harm.
We are fortunate to live in a time when wise professional help is easily available. If you are a stepmother or about to become one, probably the most powerful choice you can take is this: decide to do whatever it takes to heal your own emotional self, now. If you were emotionally, physically or sexually abused at any time in your life, or if there is a history of abuse or depression in your family, this commitment to heal yourself becomes even more essential. When you are whole and strong on the inside, you can far more easily love your stepchildren and keep on loving your husband, too. You”™ll also be able to feel and accept the love that comes your way from them
To heal yourself and your family at a deep level, with long-term and life-changing results (and a minimum investment of time and expense) I wholeheartedly recommend this profound therapeutic modality: Family Constellations.
Love, happiness, good marriages and joy in step mothering are all created from the inside out. As Ghandi said, “You have to be the change you wish to see in the world.” I believe you”™re up to it.
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Thank you so much, Christy and Linda, for this important and powerful article!
As the full-time stepmother of four children, I am completely aware of how difficult and often painful the job can be. Throw in a bitter bio mom, and some days I feel I am destined for martyrdom!
Always a pleasure to see your comments! Hugs, Christy
Great article. I am not a Step-Mother, but my husband is a Step-Father to my oldest. It has been so difficult for him, especially as our son gets older (he’s almost 7).
Good article. I, too am a stepmother and have found it very challenging over the years. When I first met my stepdaughter she was 5 years old and we bonded straight away. But when she became a teenager she started questioning my role and rebelling a little. I found this time terribly frustrating, but put it down to her age rather than our relationship. Now she is almost 18 and we get on so well. When I tell her I love her it’s because I mean it and not because I feel I have to say it. She is the most fantastic older sister to our two little ones (now 2 and 4) and they are very lucky to have her. Being a stepmother can be one of the hardest roles for a mother, but it is also incredibly rewarding.
Hi Emily, it’s wonderful to see you share about the ways your relationship has changed through life stages. Thanks!