Welcome back!
One of the most popular mommy bloggers in the world, Leslie Morgan Steiner, recently joined me on The Mommy-Muse Is In: Empowering Your Journey into Motherhood for a special episode on Mommy Wars. I am delighted to be able to share Leslie’s remarkably honest response to a wonderful discussion question at the end of Mommy Wars.
Christy: In Jane Juska’s Mommy Wars chapter, called “On Balance,” she writes: “Children are not born to provide balance. Children are made to stir us up, to teach us how angry we can get, how scared we can be, how utterly happy, happier than we’d ever imagined was possible, and how deeply we can love. Children turn us upside down and inside out, but they do not balance us.”
Leslie, if this is true, and I really think it is, is it possible for mothers to ever find true balance in our lives?
Leslie: I don’t think so. It’s ironic coming from me, that my column for two years was called On Balance. We would talk all the time on the blog about how there is no such thing as balance. I think that the whole idea of having balance in your life, between work and family, or family and your life outside of work, or however you might want to define balance for you, it doesn’t really mean balance. It’s not like a seesaw that you get all perfectly aligned; it’s that you have enough of what makes you happy and fulfilled.
I personally think that motherhood is all about chaos. It’s a lot of what Jane Juska wrote about, getting comfortable with being turned inside out, on a daily basis. There is a very great Margaret Meade quote that goes something like this,” Happiness comes from learning to nestle in the gale.”
Every night, between about 5:00 and 7:00, I think about that, because it’s the witching hour. Everybody is hungry and grumpy and everybody is fighting. You burn dinner and you get a phone call you don’t want to get. Everything is upside down and I just think, “Nestle in the gale.” Tuck in, gather my children close to me, and let the winds howl around us. It’s all going to be fine.
I think that has much more to do with happy motherhood than any idea of balance. I also think that a lot of our perspectives on motherhood are too adult. As I referred to earlier, it’s very important to say, “Do you want to be your own kid,” looking at life from a kid’s perspective.
When you begin to look at it from that perspective, I don’t think there is a child out there that would give you a description of a perfect mother, of how they want their mother to be, that has anything to do with how long we breastfeed for, or how many minutes of TV you are allocated. What I hear from kids is pretty fundamental. They want to be part of a happy family. They want stability in their family. Stability can come in a single mother or single father household, or a blended household. It can come in many different forms. They want stability.
It matters to kids tremendously, that their mothers are happy. I write in the book about my own mother, and the fact that even though she was a very fulfilled mom, there were times when she was very frustrated by motherhood. It was very clear to me, as a child. I remember so intensely wanting to make my mother happy. Most of the Mommy Wars contributors, in their essays, they write about their own mothers, even though it was not something I specifically asked people to do.
Motherhood starts with our own moms. I think that is something important to remember as we’re raising kids; you want to set a good and happy example of parenthood that will imprint upon your children and help guide them when they become parents themselves, a long time from now.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I appreciate this perspective, that motherhood isn’t balanced. I agree with that premise, considering our children’s needs are not balanced and they are the focus of our lives. I love being a Mom and I am blessed to be able to stay at home with her. And even though I do get time to myself when she is at school, when we are together there is not other space left for me or even my own thinking. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get frustrated with her or when I act angry putting her to bed – with children, they can never get enough of us. I don’t always feel the same!
I know that in a few years I will miss how much she wants me around. I hope this kind of thinking about “balance” or the lack of it will help me keep my cool during the harder times.
Thank you for sharing with such honesty!
Thanks for bringing this topic forward. I think we all struggle to find balance, but it is more difficult even for those suffering from or surviving after a postpartum mood disorder. Our unusual and difficult entry to motherhood makes finding this balance even more challenging.
I’ve just embarked on a new series with some capital work-life balance experts. I believe we all strive to live the most powerful lives we can. We term it ‘balance’ to find the right mix. But as Leslie rightly says, it’s more like a seesaw. But remember how fun it was to find an equilibrium on that seesaw? I look at myself as the fulcrum of my life. It may not always be balanced, but it’s mindful. And for me, that’s what truly counts.
I couldn’t agree more. When I become a mother again, 10 years after the first time, I struggled over how I would balance trying to get back into the work force with being a mom. You can never find it. Even with a supportive stay at home dad, balance is a myth. Thank you for being honest and sharing with those of us who’ve worried about finding balance.
Great Post! So true.
A refreshing attitude, and very inspiring ideas. Do I want to be my own child? – a point of view I never thought of, which may be very helpful in getting both me and my children not “balanced”, but better understood, and even closer to one another.
Thanks!