Welcome back!
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you are intimately familiar with the joys and pressures of spending all day, every day with your young children. Like me, you may even feel a little bit crazy when people talk about “working moms,” as though you aren’t included in that group. While I love the freedom of being able to share in the day to day wonders of life with my children, there are plenty of moments when I desperately need some self-care. So, for everyone who can relate to Garrison Keillor’s concept that “our children will gladly accept everything we give them, including our sanity,” this is for you!
- Be honest. Ignoring your emotions or hiding your feelings can work against you. Give yourself permission to feel whatever is going on inside.
- Cover the basics. Sometimes we get so focused taking care of other people in our lives, we forget to take care of ourselves. Do a quick check to see if there are any basics that can quickly boost your energy and your mood. You might be surprised to know how many moms on Twitter admit they’ve forgotten to eat, drink water, or even take a deep breath! If you see me on there, let me know and I’ll write an official “Mommy-Muse Rx” Tweet for you.
- Avoid comparison thinking. Raising our children is not a competition. On a recent interview with Mommy Wars editor Leslie Morgan Steiner on The Mommy-Muse Is In, I asked her about the essential tension between stay-at-home and career moms. She responded that the basis of the war between moms is a struggle inside each mom, and that each of us wants reassurance that we’re actually doing a good job as a mom. It does not matter what the other mothers are doing for any purposes other than healthy collaboration.
- Connect. There’s nothing like connecting with a sympathetic mom to help you feel sane during a long day with the children. We are blessed to have access to amazing bloggers writing about their own struggles, and there are all kinds of online conversations to join in on. With a click of the button, you can remind yourself you’re not alone!
- Ask for help. You do not need to prove your competence by trying to do everything alone. People may not realize you need help unless you let them know. Don’t let pride or shame get in the way. Whether you need help finding resources, a safe person to talk to, a little time for yourself away from your baby or some extra sleep, give yourself permission to ask. Asking doesn’t guarantee you will receive the help you need, but it will dramatically increase your chances.
- Nurture yourself. Ask yourself what you love with each of your senses. What do you love to hear? What do you love to taste? What do you love to feel? What do you love to smell? What do you love to see? Write your answers down, and be creative. Nourish yourself with the best inexpensive or downright free treats you can. A cup of favorite tea or coffee can nourish your sense of taste, smell, touch, and even sight if you simply take the time to focus and enjoy it. Stroking a cat or dog can be tremendously soothing, nourishing your sense of touch and bringing a sense of connection at the same time. When your inner self begins to realize that you are consistently taking a little bit of time and space for yourself, you are likely to find your overall mood and body image improving. There is something extraordinarily healing about saying that it is O.K. to take up some room in the world, that it is O.K. to be. This simple act can create a positive upward spiral into a healthier sense of well-being.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I LOVE these tips. As a mom at home I find that some days I am just “living for the weekend” and others I forget that there are weekends. There is a rut-factor that can show up without warning and some times you forget to be honest in the fact that ruts do happen.
Some of my savers are:
meeting at the park with other moms, letting the kids play and getting to have grown up conversations.
Having a couple of days a week that my kids go to mothers day out so I can do some things without chaos.
And NEVER EVER compare my mothering to other moms or compare what other moms have and what I am lacking – it starts a vicious cycle of depression and stupid jealousy.
And most important never forget how blessed I am to be at home with my kids – no matter how stressful it can be at times.
I have had a few mean bosses when I was working, but since being a stay-at-home-mom I realize that my daughter is the most stressful boss I’ve ever had! When she sleeps I sit around waiting for her to wail and when she does, my heart jumps! Not to mention so many times a night when my heart jumps.
I do live for the weekends and I do try to give myself some “me” time after 9pm when I like to sit down with a magazine and forget about the world. My husband will never understand.
Thank you for this great article.
Hi Mara,
Thanks for your very honest take on this article. You’re husband may not understand, but your sisterhood of moms sure does!
Your tips are fabulous!
I have a tip…be honest with your friends! I remember after a friend of mine had her second baby, I visited her. Her house was the typical postpartum mix of half-full water glasses on the table, burp cloths and boxes of nursing pads. It wasn’t particularly messy. She kept apologizing for how messy her house was and when I told her that it looked fine to me, that she has a NEW BABY, she told me that she is so embarrassed because my house is always so perfect. At that moment, I felt like the biggest fraud because I guess she didn’t realize that when I was expecting company, I did the toss and shove into the guest room and the closest closet to make it look like I had a tidy house. She had been comparing herself to me (which you say not to do) and it wasn’t even a fair comparison because she had no idea that my house looked like a tornado aftermath 30 minutes before she’d arrived. Be authentic. Don’t be afraid to show the “cracks” in your life. We find connection in the cracks.
Thanks – so true about it not being a competition!
Oh, Erin, this is perfectly said. “Don’t be afraid to show the ‘cracks’ in your life.” Thank you!
I think that reaching out and connecting is key – I moved to a new town just after my daughter was born and meeting and talking with other new moms was so helpful.
Oooohh! You are SO right about the phrase “working mom!”. I fall into that trap all the time, and now, having gone back to ‘work’ I certainly know which situation I found harder!! I certainly appreciate my husband’s efforts doing all the school drop-offs and after-school activities, while I have the luxury of sitting at my desk all day!! Thank you for that reminder!
Also loved what you said about nurturing yourself. When I was going through a stressful time in my life and felt like I had no time of my own, I kept my sanity by telling myself to focus on little pleasures: the feel of the sun on my face, the smell of jasmine, the taste of a strawberry. The trick was to really get present and focus on the pleasure. It was a discipline which paid off and after some practise, I found I could summon a tiny oasis whenever I needed it.
Hi Andrea – great to see you again! The feel of the sun on my face is one of my single greatest “small’ pleasures in life…I love your concept of summoning a tiny oasis – that’s exactly right!