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Guest Blogger Gina Badalaty is a wife and mom of two beautiful special needs children. She works at home full time as a web designer and freelance blogger, and is an aspiring novelist. Before having kids, she relocated from New York City to the beautiful suburbs of spacious Pennsylvania. Gina is a self-confessed Twitter junkie (be sure to check out her tweets on @ginabad) and chocoholic. I am grateful she has honored us with this wonderful essay:
Becoming a Special Needs Mom
“I was 37 when my first baby was born. I believed that child was destined to be, so I refused any prenatal testing, taking it on faith that my baby was fine. I was blessed during labor to look down and see my daughter roll out of me. I was introduced to fear for my child directly after birth as Amelia was whisked off to the NICU because she had dilated pupils. The next day, the doctors let us take her back to room. Her pupils had been affected by my labor drugs, but they said there was something “else” wrong with her eyes. They asked if they could do a blood test that checks for chromosomal disorders. I tried not to think about it, but in the back of my mind I heard the words “Down syndrome”.
We took our baby home, two states away, and awaited the results. The doctors wanted us to give us the information in person, but several “angry husband” phone calls later, we had the results. Amelia had Mosaic Down syndrome. I held my 3 week old angel baby as my body racked with sobs, and she cried too. It was the first time she had tears without pain. I learned that day to hide my pain from her.
The next 8 months were an emotional nightmare for me. When I was with Amelia, I was in heaven. She was a joy, extremely easy and healthy, despite having a small hole in her heart (which healed on its own). She slept through the night by 6 weeks old, and I loved being home with her. She was my constant companion and I talked, played, and exercised with her every moment.
Nights were different. Chris would come home and I’d hand him Amelia. Then I’d spend 45 minutes in the shower crying and banging my head on the wall. “Why me, God?” I knew it wasn’t logical, but, deep down, I believed it was my fault: the result, perhaps, of some misdeed or other I’d done while carrying her.
I coped by blogging about it. I found other mommy blogs and soon made friends with parents of special needs kids. I learned to count my blessings. Amelia had no health problems that turned out to require anything but monitoring. When she was old enough to stand, every morning I’d enter her room to find to see a happy, smiling girl. When she was old enough to clap, she’d do that when I appeared. I discovered that there were moms out there who’d never see their child stand, or laugh, or clap. It was Amelia’s smile that taught me that a disability was not the end of the world, just the start of a slightly different world.
I’ve come a long way from that crying new mother. It has taken time, especially since children with Down syndrome can often fall behind their peers as they grow older. Now, I accept Amelia where she is. I know that she was meant to be. I have to work harder on teaching her some things (like math and potty training), and I’ve had to fight to get her the best of services and schooling. That hasn’t been easy either, but I wouldn’t trade my Amelia for the world.
My values have changed since having Amelia. I view the world differently, and I value other people, other children, more than ever. I’ve lost my ability to be judgmental and harsh when things are not just “so”. I even had another baby, another “meant to be” baby, who was born a typical child.
Imagine my distress when she turned out to have special needs too…”
I know you’ll want to stay tuned for “Becoming a Special Needs Mom: Part Two.” Be sure to hop on over to her top-ranked parenting blog for more good stuff at mom-blog.com.
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I felt right there with you when you described your feelings – thank you for sharing.