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“Look, Christy, here’s how the other half lives!” My friend marveled at the beautiful homes, not realizing I used to live there…
I find myself in a potentially paralyzing predicament. Those of you who read Life Saving Words from My 7 Year Old (Whose Birth Triggered My PPD) know what I’m talking about. After spending my life gladly helping others through tough times, I am trying to figure out how to take care of my family of 4 with $400 and no paycheck in sight.
Knowing that I have co-created this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I alternate between feeling empowered to change my world and feeling stifled by shame.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. My husband and I are both highly educated and experienced. My great-grandfather was James Rolph, Jr. How is it possible that he was Governor of California at the height of the Great Depression and I’m struggling now?
I refuse to feel victimized by our changing economy, but WOW, this is tough! Looking back, I see different choices I could have made, and I am clear that my heart was always in the right place.
These feelings trigger flashbacks to my time as a new mother going through postpartum depression. I felt so ashamed, asking myself how it was possible that, as a trained mental health counselor, I could be struggling that deeply? And that shame prevented me from reaching out for help when I needed it most.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Here’s what I DO know. Shame doesn’t serve us. We are each doing the best we can with the resources we have. Fortunately, there are always more resources to draw on to create something different. Love, friendship, inner wisdom and passion are all within our reach. Tama Kieves’ potent book, This Time I DANCE! Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love has heartened me tremendously. She reminds us to “Have faith in the living wisdom of your talent, and it will light your way as surely as the moon.”
So I invite you to join me in releasing the bonds of shame. Those of us who no longer have a “label,” a steady job, do have, as Kieves writes, a ticket to anywhere we want to go with our lives.
Let us focus on the living wisdom of our talents that no economy can ever take away. Let us be compassionate with ourselves and each other, nurturing the sprouts of new life growing into something better.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Christy,
So many of us experience shame, regret, remorse that we limit and break down ourselves from the inside out. How often are we our own worst enemy? For myself, that little voice in my head rarely has anything positive to say. I have to realize — DAILY — that my thoughts are not me. Would we ever choose to hang around someone that speaks to us as we speak to our self? I bet not. I am learning to diminish that voice in my head and understand it speaks out of fear.
Having shame for where I am or what I’ve been through in the past DOES NOT serve me. Today, I want to look in the mirror and like that person that is looking back. If I love that person than I cannot be shamed of my past or present. I am content and accepting of the understanding that I am where I need to be RIGHT NOW.
I am slowly falling back in love. Not with a person or a place or a thing (I am a noun addict!) But with myself. Shame has no place in my life. It rears its ugly head — that I cannot control. But I do not have to validate it. Be your own best friend.
You’re absolutely right – Shame does NOT serve us. It paralyzes us, and that is not what we need at a time when we must move forward.
It’s empowering to name the feelings of guilt and shame so that we can address them head-on and direct our emotional energy into solutions, rather than self-pity.
Well done on this post. I know how much courage it took to write.
Yes, I totally agree!
My husband and I had gone into business a few years ago and the business failed. The worry, with a small child and employees to take care of, put us in a state of chronic panic and it was massively difficult for our marriage. Just paying our business and household bills every week was a huge struggle and one which eventually became impossible. Like you, Christy, we were well educated professionals on previously high incomes.
I feel bad that I insisted on keeping the business going when my husband wanted to finish it and make a fresh start. At the time I would have put my hand on my heart and said the reason I wanted to continue was because I didn’t want to let everyone else down. However I now realise a huge part of that was that I wasn’t courageous enough to face the shame of having to fess-up to friends, family and customers that we were in financial trouble.
I wish I had seen those years of struggle as the opportunity they were: a chance to meet some incredible people who I now work with — with joy and love. If I had been more open about our situation earlier I might have had the courage to face the inevitability earlier, that we needed to quit the business, admit we had lost everything and move on. I couldn’t have anticipated that my avoidance of shame would make me blind to the opportunity and joy we both have in our lives now. We started again — and it really did feel like a fresh start.
Well done Christy – it seems that you’re mentally years ahead of where I was!
Thanks so much for your candid comment! I hardly feel years ahead of anyone on my current situation, but your words are a blessing